Golden reflections

**This was written yesterday**

My mother always hyped up the “golden birthday” my entire childhood. (For those who may not understand the expression, it means that you’re turning the age of the date. So today is the 28th of August, that means I’m turning 28 on my golden birthday.) I had dreams and aspirations that it would be some grand party, akin to a wedding or another huge life event kind of day.

As I grew older, birthdays seemed to lose more and more importance. (I think there’s a surplus of birthdays, just ask aging women.) The summer before I turned 21 I was working at a local radio station (where I also met my now husband.) Many friends said they were going to take me out to do different things and I was very excited. The week before, I was eagerly anticipating all these different fun things that were supposed to occur, and was waiting to hear from friends who had offered to take me out to party my socks (and sobriety) off…like literally bouncing in my seat with anticipation excitedly waiting…

… and waiting… and waiting…

The day of, and I still had no plans. No body answered my phone calls. No body made any real plans. I was heartbroken. This was supposed to be one of those birthdays that everyone talks about for years afterwards about how great it was and it’ll never be like that again… and I had nothing planned.

I called up my best friend, and he was having a house party and said I should come down to see him. I drove there, and what happened? What usually happens at a house party in Wisconsin when I’m there and the most responsible one… I bought a drink at a bar for myself and someone else, where usually it’s other people buying *you* drinks, and I ended up driving all the underage stupid drunk kids home because I was the only sober one.

Yeah… it was epic…

After that, birthdays had much less expectations and ended up being very nice. I would have dinner with family and friends, maybe go out a little bit, and go home. As I got older, it was less of a “go out and celebrate by getting wasted” and more of a “let’s go hang out together and have a nice time” and I’m okay with that.

I must admit, there was still a bit of expectation when it came to my “golden” birthday, and I didn’t want to be disappointed by expecting other people to plan something for me instead of taking control of my life and deciding what I wanted to do instead.

I talked with my husband a few weeks ago and decided to be out of town this weekend. That way, he would get some work done on the land he and his family hunt on, we could traipse about in the woods for a while, relax, and I wouldn’t be disappointed by anything/anyone.

Last week, I got some phone calls from family and friends asking what I was doing for my birthday. I told them I had plans. They were disappointed.

Really? REALLY?? I mean, you wait this long to ask if I even had plans, then you’re disappointed when I *do* with my husband? I think that’s just naive and silly. I know my mother wasn’t too happy about it, but we’re still doing something later today anyhow, so hopefully that at least assuages her for the time being.

So now we’re home from our mini-adventure. I have some things to do: laundry, leisure reading while I still can, perhaps a walk on the beach, and fun roaming the internet to see what I missed over the last few days. I’m glad I decided to make my own plans instead of waiting for others to decide for me. If that makes them upset, that’s fine. I can handle that.

The moral of the story is: set your expectations aside and take hold of your own destiny. Only you can control your happiness - the only question is will you?

Just a quick note....

I'm still here! My summer classes conclude this week, so I've been very busy reading and writing for class, so not much fun reading has commenced as of late. I started listing the books I've read this summer, and even with a rather full schedule of classes and working as much as I have, I've managed to finish many of them. Here they are by author:

CASSANDRA CLARE:
City of Bones
City of Ashes
City of Glass
City of Fallen Angels
Clockwork Angel

STEPHANIE MEYER:
The Host
Midnight Sun (not a published "book", but almost 300 pages online)

LAUREN KATE:
Fallen
Torment
Passion (O.M.G.!!)

BECCA FITZPATRICK:
Hush, Hush
Crescendo

J.R.R. TOLKIEN:
The Hobbit

Most of these are re-reads, but otherwise they're either ones I've neglected for a while or new buys. I have plenty more on my shelf to get to during my month break between summer and fall semesters.... let's see how many I can knock down. I'll try to post some reviews on the ones I've read soon. Back to work....

Mundane Memories

Sometimes, I have moments in my life where I wished I had a video camera taping some of my memories. People always say that about candid days, like their wedding day or when a child was born, but there are certain moments that I truly wish that I could just press pause and live in that singular moment for a bit longer, or revisit it whenever I felt like I needed a lift.

One seemingly mundane moment would be on my honeymoon last year in South Dakota. It was July, steamy heat in the dusty plains as we drove my little Honda across the state on different adventures. I remember having the windows down just enough to let a good breeze in. My hair was down and swirling around my head in the car, which was bothersome enough that I decided to just let it go and stop trying to stop it from blowing everywhere. The sky was the clearest, most vibrant blue with puffy scattered pieces of clouds here and there. It contrasted the pale green of the rolling hills as we were on the highway between one destination and another.

There's a few long stretches of South Dakota where there's really nothing but virgin plains between one destination and another. It makes you recall when the last engine tune-up was, or wish you had stopped to pee and get bottled water at that last gas station when the next one is another 60 miles ahead. I recall this not-so-dynamic moment and wished that I could've stopped time for a little while to enjoy the simplicity of being in a car with someone I loved on the most simple of beautiful days in a simply beautiful moment. It may sound silly, but I remember the tranquility and peace that I felt in those few moments and smile...

Another "sky" moment was a few summers ago at a music festival. It was a Sunday afternoon, the last day of the festival, so most of the patrons were either too sunburnt to come out again, still hung over from the previous days of debauchery, or just not interested in the last artists that took to the stage. Jamey Johnson (who reminds me of a country music version of Jerry Garcia ) was playing a thought-evoking song, read the lyrics & listen to the song here. My then fiance and I were sitting on a blanket in a field, listening to the music and staring up at the perfectly blue-white-patchwork sky. It was a moment, I felt, that movie makers try to recreate for those perfect moments. It was something I still remember with great fondness, and look, a picture to prove it!



He had a thing going with the fumanchu mustache that summer... he's doing it again this summer, and I'm not complaining, I find it a little endearing.

It's simple moments like these that I wish I could savor for more than that single moment. I wish I could crawl inside and relive those moments sometimes, even though I know they were fleeting and gone. It makes me really appreciate the new moments like these when I have them. It's something really special when at that exact moment, you get the feeling you're going to remember it as something spectacular, even if it didn't seem like it right then...

A New Beginning...

So yesterday felt like a turning point, and not for any particular reason except for an urge... I wanted to write.

It's obviously been a while, and a lot has happened since my last half-assed attempt to connect with people via the internet on this site, but I've been reading a lot lately both for leisure and for classes, and it got me thinking....

People ask what your dream job would be. I'm working to pursue my degree for Elementary Education, and that's certainly something that I'm excited about. My current dream job: read whatever I want instead of what I have to, and get paid to write about it. I'd love to be a writer and a critic, even though I don't recall this urge being present ever before. I think I know who to blame, though....

I was reading the books of a writer who is not yet a favorite, but definitely a writer "love interest;" Cassandra Clare, who wrote the Mortal Instruments series that I've been just a little obsessed over since I discovered it only a few weeks ago. I've devoured the first three books, ordered the fourth, and just saw on the website that there are TWO MORE FREAKING BOOKS in the series coming... I seriously can't wait...

Oh, and there's a whole other series of prequel books that she's already started... honestly, woman, you're insane... and becoming a fast favorite...

Anyways, I've been reading another blog written by a short-story writer named Cassandra Clarke (who I mistook for Cassandra Clare, sorry about that!)

*SIDENOTE* There's only a 1-letter difference in their names, I think my mistake can be forgiven... maybe?

But I got inspired to begin writing again. This doesn't mean that I'm going to quit my college major and start all over again, because I'm pretty convinced my husband would kill me if I did that and I don't want to be in school ANOTHER 4+ years for a career that's even more difficult to get into than teaching. I would integrate writing into my classes with students to get them thinking critically about the world around them and why they think the way they do (how teacher-y does THAT sound). I've always benefited from doing just that for other classes, however begrudged I was to perform the task, but immensely enjoyed myself during the process. Simply put: I'd like to pass that on...

Someone once described my writing as "prophetic," which both shocked and amused me since I never really thought about it that way. I suppose as long as there's some thought provocation in my audience that resulted from what I write, it was the best possible outcome I could've asked for. If someone even enjoyed what I wrote the way I enjoy reading other people's works, that would be the greatest thing on the planet... next to ice cream. And snuggles.

So I've decided to try this writing thing again. Not for a class assignment, not for pushing any kind of agenda but simply for the pleasure of writing. Does this mean I'm going to read books and critique them on here? I'm not sure yet, we'll see where this leads me. I'm not sure anyone reads this anymore, so regardless of who finds these words, I'll keep writing them for my own personal satisfaction.

Plus it's easier than a paper journal, which I started one like 4 years ago and still haven't finished.... another work in progress *sigh*

And if this leads me to start attempting at writing short stories, I apologize ahead of time. I was never very talented at writing dialogue and hated the tediousness of it all. I might try poetry again, but usually to write poetry you have to be in a tumultuous relationship or just a tormented part of your life. I'm very happy with where I am in my life right now and haven't written poetry for years, so maybe even just putting happy little snippets of old work would be an option.

So here goes nothing... or my reputation, whatever that's worth. I'm excited to try this out again, and hopefully it's something I continue with for a while, because it could get very interesting...

July 4th Shameless Plug

I'm involved in the Sheboygan Theatre Company's production of the musical "Huh?", a political satire that offends no one and has "no political message whatsoever!" It's been fun sofar (and I'm not cast as the slut of the show like I've been typecasted here before, of which I'm thankful for the change) and what's more exciting is the writers are coming from Pennsylvania to see our production on July 4.

I've always wanted to be a part of a "world premiere" show - this sets the precedence for future productions, just like "original broadway casts" set the tone for the characters and how they're portrayed in later productions, so I will set the precedence for this character as well. I'm not saying this is going to be the next Wicked, but the notion that I'm setting the bar is pretty cool.

Now, you may be wondering how a political satire can offend no one - I assure you, it doesn't. It's really very well written; sarcastic little cuts at each other, small referrences to politician's indiscretions, and definately gets a good jab at the media and how they cover election campaigns. I really think that people will enjoy this, and since it's "family friendly," I know that it was the perfect choice for the annual July 4 free show at Fountain Park.

I hope some of you can come to enjoy the performance, I know we have a lot of work to do before anyone sees it, but there's certain to be some surprises and a lot of fun!

Just so you know I'm still here...

I just wanted to say, now that the semester is over, how wonderful it was to get all the feedback I did from all of you. I will try to continue to write here to keep up the skills we learned in the class and also for everyone's personal enjoyment. Please feel free to continue to reply to my posts, I'd love to hear from you!

Hope you all have a good summer and take care of yourselves!

too human to be humaine

It's the weirdest things that make you realize your mortality and how you treat others in this world. My parents put my dog, Zoey, down this week. She was a 15-year old Labrador/Springer Spaniel mix that was my best friend and will always be my puppy. She was suffering from arthritis in her hips for a long time, had lost most of her sight and hearing, and was just miserable.

On Friday afternoon, my mother called to let me know they were taking her to the Vet to be put down, which hence ruined any chance of me getting any further work done while at my job. They ended up getting some anti-inflamitories for her, but apparently she had a stroke or seizure overnight and was much worse over the weekend.

I went to their home on Sunday for my father's (69th) birthday celebration. They kept her in the garage overnight since she was messing inside the house, and I went to see her right away. I immediately started crying; she was on her bed covered in my dad's flannel jacket shivering. She hadn't touched her food or water and I don't know if she knew it was me or not. You had to lean right next to her so she could hear you, and I kept telling her how good she was and I loved her through my tears.

As I re-entered the house, my mother and fiance saw my face and asked if I was okay. I begged them to put her out of her misery since I couldn't stand to see her suffer like that. On Monday, my mother called again to let me know they had her put down since it was just too much. My father, who was against putting her down at all, was the one who took her to the vet and is taking her passing rather hard. I'm just glad she's not suffering anymore.

My career right now is working in the Hearing Care industry, which requires me to work with the elderly on a daily basis. I see people who are in their 80's, 90's, and more that are still youthful and living life to the fullest. I also see people in their 70's that are suffering terribly.

My question: How can we put animals down when their suffering, claiming it's the "humaine thing to do" but allow our elders, our family, to suffer for years under the cloud of medications and being in a semi-conscious state and that's okay? I know that if I were in so much pain and had a terrible quality of life, I would want someone to do the same for me as we did for my Zoey.

The terrible truth about this is who is the one who would put these elderly out of their misery? It's the same with the death penalty: people are for it, but no one wants to be the one to insert that needle. It's ok on someone's conscious to put an animal down, but if it was their mother suffering and asking for relief, they wouldn't do it.

I know I would want to do the same for my parents, but I don't know if I could do it myself. I would want the best for them regardless. I welcome your thoughts on this, as with all my writings, and appreciate everything you all have to contribute.